1 : One day a man goes to his doctor and says, “Doc I have these real bad headaches. What should I do?” The doctor replies, “Well, to get rid of my headaches I just have sex with my wife.” They both laugh. A week later the patient returns. The doctor asks, “How are you feeling?”
The patient smiles and replies” You were right! I feel so much better. And, by the way, Doc, you have a lovely home.”

2 : A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?" Only one word leapt to mind. "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

3 : A lady approaches her priest and says, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house. I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots immediately say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

4 : This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one."A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have on of those? "Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one."
Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won $50,000" Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?" The little boy asks, "Grandpa,is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" "Yes," Says grandpa."Then go fuck yourself"

5 : For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. You've been such exemplary statues, he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."
And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

6 : An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down besides him. The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes and was wearing bright, neon colored clothes. The old man just stared at him.

The boy looked at the older man and said in a smart-tone: "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The old man answered: "Well yes, actually, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

7 : A farmer decided it was time to take a wife, so he went to the city and found a woman who agreed to marry him. The only problem was she knew absolutely nothing about farming, and told him that. He told her not to worry, he would handle all the farm things.

One day, a few years later, the Farmer told his wife that the next morning he would have to go to town. He told her that the vet was coming over to breed one of the cows, and she would have to show him which one. She told him she couldn't tell one cow from the other, so the farmer took her down to the barn. Pointing to one of the cows, he told her that was the one. She said she still wouldn't remember, so the Farmer took a big nail, and hammered it into the beam above the stall.

The next morning, the Farmer left for town. A few hours later, the vet showed up, and said he was there to breed the cow. The wife led him toward the barn, explaining on the way that she couldn't tell one cow from the other. Arriving in the barn, she pointed to the nail, and said that is the cow. The vet said that was great, but what was the nail for?

To which the wife replied, " Damn if I know. Maybe that's where you're supposed to hang your pants!"